Let's Talk About Sex
by kurohp126
Summary: Ciel Phantomhive knows absolutely nothing about sex. So...who's going to teach him? WARNING: Total and complete CRACK. Rated M for swearing and general sexual discussion. Enjoy XD


Bard: I'm telling ya, I read it somewhere. Ya just lick the letters of the alphabet.

Hannah: Please, it's a vagina, not a fucking paint by numbers!

*all turn to look at Hannah*

Hannah: Well, it's not.

Alois: You see, this is why I like dick. It's just all out there for you to see. No weird hidden folds or anything. Vaginas are terrifying.

Ciel: Have you actually seen a vagina?

Alois: Well, not like, in the flesh. But Claude gave me a book on puberty. Scarred me for life. *pause* did you know that every month for a week straight women bleed and don't die?

Ciel: …that's not true. It's an old wives' tale or something.

Alois: It's true, Ciel.

Ciel: Well then the women who do that are witches!

*silence*

Alois: *whispering* Lizzy does it too

Ciel: That's not true! Right Lizzy?

Lizzy: He…he...he.

Ciel: Oh my god, my fiancé's a witch

Alois: Ciel, don't you know anything about this shit?

Ciel: I—I have a very busy life and talking about this kind of stuff just hasn't come up yet!

Claude: *to Sebastian* You really haven't taught him anything?

Sebastian: In my defense, I assumed at this age he already knew everything.

Hannah: Well, when you tell him just don't do it like Claude did.

Claude: I did nothing wrong.

Hannah: The first words out of your mouth were "don't have sex because you will get cancer and die"!

Claude: It's called honesty, Hannah!

Hannah: You made Jim cry!

Timber: Cried like a little baby.

Thompson: Kinda ugly when he cries.

Canterbury: But still kinda cute. Like one of those dogs with a squished face.

Alois: Hey, three douche-kateers, did I say you could talk?

Hannah: Well if Sebastian isn't going to have the talk with Ciel, then who will?

Madam Red: I should do it. After all, I am his aunt and it's the least I can do, being his last living relation.

Lizzy: Um, Ciel has me and my fa—

Madam Red: *grabbing Ciel* Oh my poor innocent nephew! So pure and untouched from the filthiness of the world!

Sebastian: *under his breath* If only you knew.

Soma: I will have the talk with Ciel. After all, I am a man and his best friend.

Ciel: Okay, first of all that sentence is only half true. And second of all I am not going to talk to you about that!

Alois: Well look Ciel, you gotta have the talk at some point!

Grell: What talk?

Alois: The sex talk.

Grell: …you're kidding me right? Look, if you all want I can do it. I can knock this whole thing out in like five minutes.

Sebastian: …I don't trust this.

Ciel: Neither do I. How do I know you're not just going to lie to me?

Grell: Look brat, I may be a lot of things, but I am not a liar.

Mey-Rin: Didn't you lie about killing prostitutes?

Grell: HEY! That was not lying, that was just withholding the truth. Alright, now let's do this. Where to begin, where to begin?

Alois: Oh, I have got to watch this.

Grell: Have you had your first erection yet?

Ciel: My first what?

Grell: *sighs and rubs bridge of nose* Has your peepee stood up on its own yet?

Ciel: Oh *blushes* uh, yes.

Grell: Okay, well what did you do about it?

Ciel: Well, I told Sebastian and he said he'd take care of it.

Grell: Well, that's one way to—

*all eyes shift to Sebastian*

Sebastian: …hehehe I'm a demon. I have no morals.

Grell: So you'll touch his dick but you won't fuck me? Well fuck this then! *gets up to leave* I'll just…go find a cucumber or something! *door slams*

*silence*

Claude: Well, that derailed quickly.

Hannah: Well, somebody has to teach him about sex!

Alois: Alright, alright. Claude, go get that book you gave me. *sits by Ciel* Lesson number one: if it's on a girl, it's too confusing and scary to deal with. Just remember "if it's tucked, it won't be fucked. If it's out, it's in my mouth."

Ciel: You realize that last one didn't rhyme, right?

Alois: Do you want to learn about this shit or not?

Ciel: Fine, fine!

Alois; Sebastian, go get us some tea. We have a long night ahead of us!

**So, this is my first crack fic, which was (appropriately) written late at night. Hope you guys enjoyed, and please feel free to rate and review **


End file.
